RECORD REVIEWS FROM THE SECOND FLOOR

A few weeks ago, my much younger downstairs neighbor moved out due to finding a better job in less of a shit hole area of the country. Yesterday, my landlord called to ask if I would check on the place and make sure no pipes froze, nothing’s leaking etc.

Upon entering the apartment, the first thing I noticed was how much nicer and spacious it was than my place. The thought of someone I could have fathered doing better than me financially always sends me down a shame cycle that only an anchovy tomato pie can cure. But then I noticed something that quickly broke me out of my hankering for salty sea life – a small stash of recent vinyl left behind by that lady killing whipper snapper that once dwelled below me. Flipping through the short stack, I noticed names of artists that I’ve heard youngins and normies speak about whilst shoveling spoonfuls of corn beef hash into my gullet in the break room at work. Perhaps letting my opinion be known about these popular titles will garner more readers to this here newsletter? Will finally jumping Hokas first into the mainstream solve my money woes in my codger years? Only one way to find out, I guess…

JOYCE MANOR - I Used To Go This Bar (Epitaph)
A member wearing a No Comment shirt in a picture on the dust sleeve gave me hope, but I fail to understand how you can don a shirt of a seminal powerviolence band and create the thunderous heart-on-sleeve pop punk presented here. The fact I can’t wrap my head around it is most likely the reason I’m rummaging through a stranger’s garbage hoping it’ll warrant an extra $5 in my Stripe account every month. Listening to this also makes me wonder about the people who’ve grown up with this band and how they relate to them in the present day. Are the emotions you’re feeling from these tunes nostalgic or present-day? Does it create a longing for the easier, emotional turmoil of youth or do you apply it to current concerns of car payments and loveless relationships? It seems before I could even delve into that whopper of a concept, the record was over. Twenty minutes isn’t enough time to fill my adult pull up with tears. In the words of Harold Weir in Freaks and Geeks, “In and out the door with this record!”

HAYLEY WILLIAMS - Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party (Post-Atlantic)
A double LP? Who’s got time for that these days? I suppose it’s the young folks who have it with their bullshit jobs of Spotify vibe curator and virtual crotch groomer. After four songs, it becomes frighteningly apparent this isn’t music a man who witnessed the Challenger disaster should be listening to. To any man my age either listening to this or paying attention to AW via social media: Please stop before you end up on a list. Thanks.

BILLY STRINGS - Highway Prayers (Reprise)
Is this supposed to be The Lumineers for phony rednecks? Asking for a froid.

FONTAINES D.C. - Romance (XL)
Hey! I noticed this song “Starburster” as the theme song to the Pierce Brosnan vehicle that was on FX last year, MobLand. I find it as annoying as the series’ flimsy plot line, but not as annoying as Bonfire co-host Robert Kelly’s love for said song and show. I think I just included this review to badmouth Robert Kelly. Oh well.

GEESE - Getting Killed (Partisan)
I get why these kids are getting all kindsa accolades presently. I sat on the floor scrolling through my phone before I even noticed the first side was over. I’d say that level of benignness has to be applauded.

Well, now it’s time to trade these in at the local record shoppe. I hope to walk away with enough for at least an eight piece wing platter with fries.